olaf hehee

// it's getting bad again

I thought i was getting better. I stopped crying to sleep on random nights that i'll decide to hate myself so much sometimes i would draw a blade to my skin. Hahahaha but it doesn't even leave a scar or anything. But when it happens, it just feels good and it stings and you'll stop crying. 

Just when i thought i can be back to being the real me, the really insecure me. I realised it was really wrong to do that. I got scolded by joanna and i sort of pushed nick away. 

And it's just they just don't understand how much i dislike to be me, to hate every inch of me, to want to numb every feeling i feel. 

I need to conceal this part of me away again. I think it's necessary because nobody really cares about how i really feel. All they care about is how i make them feel.

I hate being the one who tries harder. I hate being the one who cares more. I hate having expectations. 

// 4 Jan 2014

I just feel really shitty now. I feel so worthless and unlikeable and everything bad. I don't even feel like i can compare up to any other girls i see. It's like they're really pretty, really cute, really hot and everything i'm not. It just really sucks and i can't help thinking i'm always a second choice or anything but a first choice. I don't feel wanted by anyone. 

Utterly worthless 😔