goodbye is probably your favourite word

your love for me isn't enough to make you stay. my love for you isn't enough to make you stay. our love wasn't enough to make you stay. now you want to go and find someone who doesn't feel bad replying to other boys. i'm speechless, because i will always feel bad for not replying to others. i'm sorry i'm not good enough for you. it just seems all the 'i love you more' lost its meaning because you said it and now you are making the choice to leave me. ha ha it's okay, everyone wants to leave me. just that when anyone leaves, i'll pray so hard for that person to be happy always. i've tried so hard to make you happy and then you say we've tried so hard making each other happy that we forgot what made each other hurt. you've taken out our photos from your phone and you're determined to leave me because you don't want to hurt anymore. the boy i knew was always right, are you right this time that i will hurt you forever? i'm scared. i'm scared to leave you. i don't want you to feel lonely. i want you to feel loved and feel wanted. but still, you want to leave me because you don't want to hurt you.

xx

today i almost wanted to give up but i know you are a great guy and i don't want to give you up. this is the first time i ever fought so hard in my life for someone i want. this feeling is exhausting but i guess if you still want to leave me, i guess i can say i tried my best and keep trying to look out for you, take care of you no matter what.

i think i have to thank the random stranger that you actually came down and i also thank you for trying to look for me. thank you for everything my dear :") i felt so upset letting you go home because i don't know when is the next time i'll ever get to be with you again. thankyou for giving me the hug when i asked for it. and taking out my specs so i could dry my tears on your shirt. thank you, kau beda dari jartu dari syurga. but you know i will try to be better for you, to improve on ways so i won't ever hurt you again. that's if you promise to never leave me, then i'll do those. because if you don't, once you leave me, i'm left with absolutely nothing, no comfort, no care, no love.

thank you for always being my lifebuoy, for times when i was suffering in the toilet, for times when i was sad.

but i wonder, are you sad like me? holding back the tears when you let me go? or have you never loved me as much as i did...

aishiteru

i always looked at you this way, but never saw you look at me this way before. maybe you did, but less than i did. i loved you. i loved the way you laugh because you don't laugh often. and when i get to make you smile or laugh, i feel happy. and day after day, i just hope to see that smile of yours when you see me. and now, i won't get to see you smile because of me or sleep in your company anymore. i've always felt safe in your company because i felt you'll protect me, especially when you wrap your arms around me. you made me feel secure. and whenever i'm sad, i just turn to you and you'll try to comfort me. and sometimes when i'm crying, you'll be there to wipe my tears and hug me til i'm alright.

i've hurt you so much i can't bear to hurt you anymore so i will let you go. even if it means hurting myself because it hurts when you're gone. i still want be there for you when you're sad, i want to hug you til you're alright. i want to fix you. but i never realised that i was actually breaking you. and any time i knew you were broken, a part of me is broken too, i can't help but wish i can make you happy everyday of your life, making you forget anything that made you sad. i'm so sorry i couldn't fix you. maybe i shouldn't have tried to fix you because i couldn't fix my own life too. and now, i can't even fix this relationship.

this is us now. i'm glad you're happy now and don't have feelings for me anymore. everytime i think about you, my throat hurts, my vision is blurry. i can't do this anymore. :'(

not broken, just bent

this time, i'm really on my own. i do wish the best for you. sorry for the pain i caused. i don't know what else i can do but to let you go and be happy because you'll only receive pain when you're with me :"(

i'm trying

i've been trying so hard to not even cry or feel upset nowadays. but everything... maybe no one wants to care about me but they want someone to care about them. no one wants to try to understand me or be there for me in my darkest days/period. the prev matches, i've been trying so hard to not breakdown because of all these stress i'm getting and trying to be strong is so damn difficult.

today.

coach wanted to train on mentality. he wanted strong players. and i was obviously bad at being strong because when he scolded me, i was going to cry, when he asked, "and what are you supposed to do when you feel bad" and wanted an answer from me, my voice was shaky and i had to say "stand up". i was trying hard to not cry. i was stressed, stress about sch. now. stress about tennis. and to add on, stress about friends.

and i do try so hard til coach say i tried too hard that's why i cannot hit properly. so don't say i don't try or not trying hard enough.

maybe.

i'm not good enough for anything. that's why my efforts are seen to close to nothing, nothing to you, but everything to me. i'm trying so hard i want to make everyone happy, i'm so close to breaking. yet. the person i count on the most to make me happy, doesn't want to. maybe he doesn't want to understand me. maybe he doesn't want to be there for me. he knows. he knows i'm having a hard time now. but he isn't here. crying the past few days is close to nothing to him. and worse still, he's pushing me to the edge. he's adding on to my sadness, my stress, my everything. and i'm not blaming him, i'm blaming me because i'm not strong enough, i cry all the time, i suck. maybe one day, when someone else cares for you, you'll leave me cos you no longer need my care. because maybe that's all you need.

andrea is nothing. nothing is andrea.
it's okay, i tell myself. i'll go through this myself. i don't need anyone. no one is ever there. or maybe there is. there to hurt me more. what doesn't kill me, kills me on the inside, slowly, painfully.