19 March 2014

today i went out with hongyu and eunice and it probably is one of my most tiring day of my year because i had training til 11pm and had to pass up forms from dsd and collect eunice's cake from bedok mall then rested awhile at home(thankfully) before going off to meet eunice. 

and honestly i was thinking about a few things that would affect me alot; would she appreciate everything and the money i spent on her presents and cake? i'm really going broke these few days and i'm not rich and money isn't something i like to spend. and when i spend, i like to make sure that person is worth it and i was honestly thinking "the things i do for my friends, they would never do for me."

i know when i do something, i have to do it without expecting returns so i guess, seeing her appreciate my work is enough. friends really come and go and i'm glad i know who i should keep in my life. i'm glad some bitches taught me the ways of the bitches and i should definitely stay away from them. i'm kind of glad i lost you because you're not worth it after all.

i haven't been the nicest to eunicelim and i did say really mean stuffs about her when i was in secondary sch about not liking the way she does some stuffs but i'm really glad she's still here by my side heh. sorry and thankyou for everything eunice, i hope you like the presents and cake i got you, IT'S NOT CHEAP OKAY or not some last minute thing because i got you the presents about half a month ago so yeah hahahaha sincerely hope you appreciate my efforts. :)

 screw you guys.

Realize

I just realised how scared i am to talk to other guys when i have a boyfriend and i'm gonna make a change, i'm not gonna be afraid to talk to them. But this change will be because i know he can talk to girls freely and definitely not the least afraid to talk to them. 

Kinda new stuffs hehe

I just recently(8 march) pierced my upper ear, i think it's called the helix or smth :o

hehehe i feel accomplished. It's like been years since i've pierced my ear or did something to my body. And i also decided to pamper myself abit more by buying my first mask hehe which cost me like 29.90 but i just hope it works laaa like make me look less dull and dry :(

hehe and i also miss my dearie boy like so much i miss his smell i miss his hug :( and i'm so glad that we are putting in effort to try and keep our relationship going despite all the paranoid shit and overthinking and insecurities hehe 

and i'm like really really wishing from the bottom of my heart that this will last, because i think he's perfect for me. except that i'm not perfect for him or anyone to be exact because recently my temper has been getting bad and i keep flaring up at him accidentally but i just realised maybe this was my temper all along but i just chose not to release it and now it's kind of at the limits. i can literally feel that nowadays i'm getting frustrated but i suppress it inside me of letting it out. but nicky boy always happens to be the unlucky who hit the jackpot of me bursting :/ sorry... :(

I really love you nicky boy don't get upset or anything okay cos i honestly HATE seeing you sad because i feel utterly useless :"( actually you can get sad la just have to tell me and i'll make sure i'll try to be there for you kay :*

i love your stupid face :p

18 February: What's happening

Nick tells me to believe he really loves me and he swears he'll only love me. But i can't. I can't believe in those words when i can't even believe that i'm good enough for him, or that i'm enough for him to stay. I know i'll never be enough. I know i'll lose him to some better girl who has a cuter smile, cuter personality and that i'll never be special enough to anyone.

I've been feeling really broken these days and i don't know why. I've been flaring up easily and ranting at nick and i know it'll be soon before he gives up on me. I really don't know how to love myself no matter how much i try. I'm soooo envious of those girls who have a cute smile and i get so bloody insecure because i just don't see anything in me. 

I'm aching so much now. And i can't even stop the ache. Useless.

14 - 16 February

I'm updating in class now because i'm extremely bored and sitting alone because wany is not here and the others are sitting in front of me >:(

Anyway 14 feb; i woke up feeling extremely excited for school, idk for what ':p and so sch was as usual and i met nicky boy after school and he's the sweetest la he bought me like a little bouquet and hehe i feel pretty. Flowers always make me feel pretty :^] and he also bought me a musical snowglobe which i really reaaaally love *.* hehe and also printed photos of us <3

Then he stayed over on friday and saturday and i really liked his company and all like i wish it could stay like this forever. He's always so damn warm and i love it hehe. So yeah that's all for these days cause i can't really remember much. Heh. 

I just wished i had like better people to hang out with, like people i can keep for life, who i can share my deepest thoughts and go crazy and still not get judged. I see everyone who has already found their bestie for life, clique for life, and i'm just here with nobody. Like there isn't anyone fun i can hang out with or more like i haven't found someone i want to hang out with. I'm supposed to be appreciating every friend i have but sometimes they're just not the people i want to keep. At least not the people from sec sch, nor the people from poly(up til now). Maybe i'll meet them when i change class in 3rd year and i'm really wishing and hoping i'll find my bestie for life, someone i can go crazy with, someone to grow old with.