14 - 16 February

I'm updating in class now because i'm extremely bored and sitting alone because wany is not here and the others are sitting in front of me >:(

Anyway 14 feb; i woke up feeling extremely excited for school, idk for what ':p and so sch was as usual and i met nicky boy after school and he's the sweetest la he bought me like a little bouquet and hehe i feel pretty. Flowers always make me feel pretty :^] and he also bought me a musical snowglobe which i really reaaaally love *.* hehe and also printed photos of us <3

Then he stayed over on friday and saturday and i really liked his company and all like i wish it could stay like this forever. He's always so damn warm and i love it hehe. So yeah that's all for these days cause i can't really remember much. Heh. 

I just wished i had like better people to hang out with, like people i can keep for life, who i can share my deepest thoughts and go crazy and still not get judged. I see everyone who has already found their bestie for life, clique for life, and i'm just here with nobody. Like there isn't anyone fun i can hang out with or more like i haven't found someone i want to hang out with. I'm supposed to be appreciating every friend i have but sometimes they're just not the people i want to keep. At least not the people from sec sch, nor the people from poly(up til now). Maybe i'll meet them when i change class in 3rd year and i'm really wishing and hoping i'll find my bestie for life, someone i can go crazy with, someone to grow old with. 

    

olaf hehee

// it's getting bad again

I thought i was getting better. I stopped crying to sleep on random nights that i'll decide to hate myself so much sometimes i would draw a blade to my skin. Hahahaha but it doesn't even leave a scar or anything. But when it happens, it just feels good and it stings and you'll stop crying. 

Just when i thought i can be back to being the real me, the really insecure me. I realised it was really wrong to do that. I got scolded by joanna and i sort of pushed nick away. 

And it's just they just don't understand how much i dislike to be me, to hate every inch of me, to want to numb every feeling i feel. 

I need to conceal this part of me away again. I think it's necessary because nobody really cares about how i really feel. All they care about is how i make them feel.

I hate being the one who tries harder. I hate being the one who cares more. I hate having expectations. 

// 4 Jan 2014

I just feel really shitty now. I feel so worthless and unlikeable and everything bad. I don't even feel like i can compare up to any other girls i see. It's like they're really pretty, really cute, really hot and everything i'm not. It just really sucks and i can't help thinking i'm always a second choice or anything but a first choice. I don't feel wanted by anyone. 

Utterly worthless 😔

the end is the start of a new beginning

today is the end of 2013 and i'm actually scared to recall what this year consists of because there's been so many laughters, so many tears, so much hurt. but if i don't look back, i won't learn from the past and become a better person. so here goes:

there's supposed to be more pictures of a and me but i'm not putting it here because i uploaded from my computer space and i've deleted all our pictures together. that pretty much sounds like a mean thing to do but i've got to move on and stop lingering on such stuffs and i'm so glad to say i'm over you ha ha putting in so much effort to love you just resulted in you leaving me because i broke a promise. but oh well, i'm happy to say it's alllllll over and i'm so happy with my new beginning.

so this year 2013 started with a and me catching fireworks together, and getting together after knowing each other for a year. there were meetups with the girls, well joe once only HA and there were meetups with pb and jerrold! also there was uss with jingyang, jingshen, jerrold, leon! then of course school was so much better with adri, wany, anis and norita :) and then came along this boy who managed to crawl into the walls of my heart and made me fall in 'like' again which is pretty weird because i actually lost trust in all the boys.

but he's different. his actions spoke louder than words at the right time and i can't be anymore thankful for that. like coming down just because i wasn't okay and got teary HAHA cute la. it's probably the first time someone wanted to be there everytime i'm sad. it's the first time someone told me i feel like something he wanted his whole life. and i just really enjoy spending time with him and everytime he has to leave, i die a liiiiiiittle inside.

i really hate HATE people leaving me. i'm scared they'll never come back. i'm afraid they'll stop loving me. but with all these doubts, i will still carry on loving that person til that happens. nobody how hurt i am, i'll still keep loving him and never let him go unless the day where he decides to leave me comes and i can't bear to stay.

all in all:

i just wanna thank everyone who has been in my life, for being there for me, being my friend(because i'm not exactly easy to be with). thank my family especially my big bro who would go all out to make sure i'm not sad. i haven't been the best friend or best sibling or best child but i will continue to try to be a better person for myself and those around me.