I MISS YOU I WANNA HUG YOU

i look really retarded here but whatever, because the baby is freaking cute and i love to smell things/people so i smelt him and he smells like a baby omg (kay, obviously cos he's a baby)

HAHAHAA WE ALL HAD A INDIVIDUAL SHOT AND MINE IS KINDA ZZ HAHA BUT PROUD OF THIS SHOT HEHE

OKAY LALA i just like to thank gillian and nicole and christy for warming me when they realised my nails were purple, it wasn't a very big gesture but i get the thought and it's the thoughts that count so i reallyreally thank God for them for their concern. and also others for everything! hahaha. i really got to know nicole abit more cos i decided to talk more and ask her about what music she listens to and stuffs. SO YEYYY i know her better ;) 

oh and i've opened myself up more, i actually don't keep to myself that much, in the sense i can physically link arms with them without feeling awkward, put my arms over their shoulder easily. HEHE. i feel closer to them so i'm feeling a little bit accomplished :D

oh and also thank God for my little brother, i think yesterday or two days ago(?), he actually offered to cook me maggi noodles if i was hungry and he made for me(i think) ice cream sandwich hehe love this little brother of me too. and idk why but my big bro keeps biting me nowadays HAHAHA random k.

OH and i played GTA 5 2 days ago and i must admit that I AM VERY NOOB, i literally had to replay the task 5 times before i gave up because i still couldn't accomplish it. URGH but haha my little bro helped me complete it, EASILY!!!!

and i thought of you, i kept thinking of you and at night it keeps hitting me and i still tear at night BECAUSE OF YOU but hahahaha who cares KK BYE THANK THE STARS FOR READING MY BLOG, like real zzzz I'M SO DELUSIONAL I THINK I'M MENTALLY CHALLENGED FOR REAL. i actually thought i was actually autistic last time HAHA k

OH AND HAHAHAHA A RANDOM GUY'S FRIEND TOLD ME HIS FRIEND IS SINGLE AND CAN COOK AND ASKED "DO YOU WANT HIM?" hahahahahahahahahaha i said nahhh, and the friend said to his friend "i tried" HAHAHAHA k that was a random funny moment but LALA

silly

i printed a few of my favourite photos with you and kept it in an envelope, so i can keep our memories together. so even if i lose my com, i'll still have these pictures to keep. haha. i am stupid right?

:'(

i can see that you're trying hard to get me out of your life. i see what tweets you've favourited and i get it. you are dead bent on getting me out of your life. ha ha i'll try to be okay. for now i guess i do whatever it takes to be happy, going out with my old friends, anything to get you out of my memories. and then your mission will be accomplished. i'll forget you in time and won't want you anymore. if you want that, i'll do just that. i'm sorry, really. for being 'arrogant' and stuffs. i'm just really thankful to you for taking care of me, showing concern, comforting, caring and loving me for the past few months. it's been really great having you around and you know i'm thankful for you. i hope you're happy on this journey without me, i'm sure you are since i think you said you'll be happier without me. thank you. really.

note to you: you're a really good boy with a really good heart, please don't ever change that part of you. and i hope you'll find someone who loves you as much as i do or even more. <3
another note: i really really still wish i could hug you, hold you.
last note: sorry i wasn't good enough for you.

holding onto a hopeless hope

i miss you like crazy and the worst part i can't do anything because you want to be free and i'm trying to be okay with that. when i think of you, especially before i sleep, i just tear. i'm sorry that i'm not as strong as you think i am. i'm sorry :'(

balsambreath:

I thought of texting you

"good morning, I can’t sleep"

and then I remembered

that you are on a journey

which I am not a part of

and that’s okay

but

good morning

I can’t sleep

i guess i loved you more than you loved me

you keep breaking me

i really tried holding on to you, just letting you know i miss you, i love you and everything i felt. but now, maybe i should have been like last time, just keeping everything to myself and letting everything and everyone go without letting them know. and a hug from you could make me go to bed happy. just a genuine moment of me making you smile would make me happy. but i don't know what else i can do. you don't want me anymore and i should accept that fact. i'm so sorry i will keep everything to myself now and just slowly let you go. maybe you'll be happier this way because you keep telling me to not find you and stuffs like that. and maybe i should let you be happy and not hold you back anymore. i did try baby. i did :'(

my heart won't stop hurting
my eyes are swollen
i can't do this

difficult

"go fix yourself" is different from "i will fix you". both has the same meaning, you need to fixed. it's just, "go fix yourself" means you have a problem and you need to fix yourself. it's harsh and worse than that, it's like i don't want to handle your shit, get your shit together before you talk to me/be with me. and when someone you love just says that to you, you feel broken inside, like the person who mattered most won't even go through this process of fixing with you, like they don't want a problematic you. while "i will fix you" means i accept you as who you are but it'll be better if you fix yourself and don't worry, you have me, and you won't go through this alone.

and i've got the answer from who mattered most, that i have to go through this alone, this process of fixing myself alone. but i'm not tough and i can't fix myself on my own. it'll be like 'i'll be strong' and the next morning, you're the weak you again. i've tried. and if people were that tough, there wouldn't be suicides, there wouldn't be self-harms. they just needed someone to be there for them, to fix them together but no. they were alone, they couldn't take it. they're weak. so they did it.

and if i didn't appreciate things, i wouldn't have fought so hard for that one to stay, even if it meant doing something i've never done before such as fighting so damn fucking hard. but no, my action is not appreciation. i'm gonna give up.