difficult

"go fix yourself" is different from "i will fix you". both has the same meaning, you need to fixed. it's just, "go fix yourself" means you have a problem and you need to fix yourself. it's harsh and worse than that, it's like i don't want to handle your shit, get your shit together before you talk to me/be with me. and when someone you love just says that to you, you feel broken inside, like the person who mattered most won't even go through this process of fixing with you, like they don't want a problematic you. while "i will fix you" means i accept you as who you are but it'll be better if you fix yourself and don't worry, you have me, and you won't go through this alone.

and i've got the answer from who mattered most, that i have to go through this alone, this process of fixing myself alone. but i'm not tough and i can't fix myself on my own. it'll be like 'i'll be strong' and the next morning, you're the weak you again. i've tried. and if people were that tough, there wouldn't be suicides, there wouldn't be self-harms. they just needed someone to be there for them, to fix them together but no. they were alone, they couldn't take it. they're weak. so they did it.

and if i didn't appreciate things, i wouldn't have fought so hard for that one to stay, even if it meant doing something i've never done before such as fighting so damn fucking hard. but no, my action is not appreciation. i'm gonna give up.