you'll never know

mat·ter /ˈmatər/

Verb
Be of importance; have significance: "what did it matter to them?".

I shouldn't let matters affect me more than they should. Things that matter to you, may be things that don't matter to me. Things that matter to me, may be things that don't matter to you. And this differences make us fight because we don't see each other through each other's eyes. This differences make each other seem as unreasonable because we are not able to understand each other's intentions or actions. For e.g. my brother thinks it's okay to start texting other girls first as a friend. But for me, I think that starting to text other guys first is not okay unless you like him. Therefore we can't see eye to eye, because we don't feel what each other feels.

trust (trst)

Noun
Something committed into the care of another; charge.

I don't trust some people's words like "I like you/I love you." because those are the hardest to believe. You don't know if they think of you all day or before they sleep or even when they wake up. You don't know if they like your company or hugs or care because you don't know if your happiness matters more than their own happiness. Then again there's another reason where you look at yourself and the flaws you have, the bad hair days, how unreasonable you get when you don't get what you want, and you wonder how can someone love you for you.

the haze is making it harder to breathe and i'm scared. what if i die today? or tomorrow? or anytime soon? all my dreams and shit. hahahahaha. i know i'm exaggerating lol but heh just thoughts when i'm short of breath. or maybe my heart skap a beat or actually my breathing skap a beat. and skap is just past tense of skip HAHA. oh and training has been like cancelled for the whole week, quite timely because that means no intense physical or shit but bad because i kinda need that training.

1234

ahaha this photo was taken on monday!! xD and i'm so tired from all the trainings and it's just the same day routine where i just wake up at 12 and get ready til 1 and reach sch at 2 then train til 5+ bathe in sch then meet my boyboy. hahaha. but today is abit different, because i ate my brunch before i left house so i have 2 meals today ahaha yay. anyway tmr i'm gonna skip training for sentosa cell outing HEHE. and i hope it'll be funnnn, and my boyboy don't get too jealous cause i love him so much that i'll be sad when i miss him.

and today's training, i heard ardash(idk how to spell his name), who is a 10 year old boy who has a national ranking(wows) hahahah, for the first time and it was like a kid, it was soo cuteee AHAHA. and i got to do some abs exercise with him ahaha he so cute. anyway he smiles cutely too, he has dimples HEHEHE.

and i saw a kid laughing so much with his daddy and i feel soooo happy too, i was like thinking 'i wanna make my kids laugh like that too'. i think i'm gonna buy a book on how to be a funny mummy AHAHAHA. yeah i'm tired now and i hope my dear boy is okay.

and the reply to your question 'why should i like you' is that there are no reasons. i'm never good enough for you or anyone. my feelings are all wrong and i shouldn't feel the way i should. and that question made me think whether you really liked me or not. ahahahaha.

toodle the noodles because i have doodles

HAHAHA today i sneezed really loud, like literally the loudest i ever sneezed because i opened my mouth so big and it was high pitched it's soo funny to me ahahaha. then i thought to myself i sounded like i was doing karate AHAHAHA. k i'm sorry. HEHE.

then tonight i was fighting my thoughts like 'tweet tweet i'm a bird' then i went 'doesn't mean i tweet means i'm a bird ok...' HAHA. sorry, i'm just very easily frustated with myself and i can't stand myself so maybe i should sit right but i think i wanna fly.

like i can literally fly, because if i swim, i'm above the ground so I'M FLYING HAHAHA. this was my afternoon thought sorry hahaha cos i saw fishes like floating or flying and just blooping around ahahaha. so i'm gonna go swimming 2morerow, 2morecoloums maybe? NAH. HAHAHA. i asked eunice so i hope she can make it cause i don't wanna swim alone like i'll be blind and i need sight aid hahahaha.

OHHH hahahaha my thought was that my stupidity level has gone so high so i wanted to say i'm abit stupid now because i'm an early bird then i said tweet tweet. HAHAHA that's how it starteddd. OK but i really woke up at 10am and now it's 2:08am which is pretty much stupid because i'm probably too stupid to realise i'm actually sleepy when i don't feel sleepy. hahahahaha kkkkkkk. GOODNIGHT. I SEE A PIG NOSE IN GOODNIGHT AHAHAHA. G(^(OO)^)DNIGHT HAHAHAHAHA

*OH YEA I LOVE MY BABY BOYYYY. OH YEA I HAVE A BABY, PROBABLY 14 MONTHS OLD. HAHAHA keeding, i love you babeee.

The L word.

I feel like an ultimate loser. I keep losing in games or things or even can't do things right. I can't be a pro in games where I escape from reality where in reality I lose all the time to all the girls and life just sucks. I hate seeing my face in the mirror and feeling ugly. And when I say I feel ugly, I mean it. And that hurts. I'm a burden to my family and friends because all I can do is give them trouble or just unable to help them because I'm just so helpless.

Yeah I know we can't always win in life but there isn't anything in this world that I can excel in so that I can be happy. And I don't actually feel like there is another loser like me. Like I'm the loser of the losers. I never win. In anything. Even in speech. I always end up saying the sorries and giving in to people I care just cause I can never win any argument. I can't win my own thoughts of me being such a loser :'(

benu

today maybe you didn't notice but i was soooo manje because i really wanted to hug you alot alot because i probably love you alot alot. and i feel changed and i'm scared it's for the worse and i'm sorry for that change, even though you say it's for the better, cause i so manje to you ahahaha. but i love you too much to hurt you. and sorry if i keep asking if you're angry/hurt etc because i'm so scared of hurting you again. sorry :(

i don't know why but i always seem to look at you more than you look at me, maybe cos i like you more than you like me :( HAHA. but i think it's because i always want to know what you're thinking or doing like all the time and when you don't reply me, i always think like, "what this boy doing huh? why never reply me?"

HAHA yeah sorry for getting so insecure all the time, because that's what always makes us fight. anyway even if you not better than others, i don't care because you're the first i ever want to cuddle with so much that i even dream of cuddling with you lol. hahahaha. so you also no need insecure. actually i don't think you're insecure one lor sigh.

hehe i love you too and duh, i don't wanna share you too. that's why i also scared you look at other girls all lah. HAHA. i'm probably as selfish as you HEHE.

ps/ i wanna keep your jacket and wear it like all the time because it's yours. i wanna keep it forever muahahahahaha. omg i'm so possessive, even of your jacket but ahahahaha. xD