i'm trying

i've been trying so hard to not even cry or feel upset nowadays. but everything... maybe no one wants to care about me but they want someone to care about them. no one wants to try to understand me or be there for me in my darkest days/period. the prev matches, i've been trying so hard to not breakdown because of all these stress i'm getting and trying to be strong is so damn difficult.

today.

coach wanted to train on mentality. he wanted strong players. and i was obviously bad at being strong because when he scolded me, i was going to cry, when he asked, "and what are you supposed to do when you feel bad" and wanted an answer from me, my voice was shaky and i had to say "stand up". i was trying hard to not cry. i was stressed, stress about sch. now. stress about tennis. and to add on, stress about friends.

and i do try so hard til coach say i tried too hard that's why i cannot hit properly. so don't say i don't try or not trying hard enough.

maybe.

i'm not good enough for anything. that's why my efforts are seen to close to nothing, nothing to you, but everything to me. i'm trying so hard i want to make everyone happy, i'm so close to breaking. yet. the person i count on the most to make me happy, doesn't want to. maybe he doesn't want to understand me. maybe he doesn't want to be there for me. he knows. he knows i'm having a hard time now. but he isn't here. crying the past few days is close to nothing to him. and worse still, he's pushing me to the edge. he's adding on to my sadness, my stress, my everything. and i'm not blaming him, i'm blaming me because i'm not strong enough, i cry all the time, i suck. maybe one day, when someone else cares for you, you'll leave me cos you no longer need my care. because maybe that's all you need.

andrea is nothing. nothing is andrea.
it's okay, i tell myself. i'll go through this myself. i don't need anyone. no one is ever there. or maybe there is. there to hurt me more. what doesn't kill me, kills me on the inside, slowly, painfully.

i'm so fucking sorry for everything. sorry.

sorry is all that i can say

i'm mentally and physically exhausted. i feel so tired, i forget so many things and worst of all, i screw up things. i feel utterly useless when i can't help someone i love to cheer up. i lose my match. i got friends who treat as a second option. i got nothing left in my life. i feel empty and sad. i kinda don't like me. the worst part of all these is when you count on me to make you happy but i can't. and when you say like love me and muah i feel so upset because that's not what you do when we meet. everything hurts. </3

s.o.s

i really think i'm so horrible, i'm horrible as a lover, a friend. and even someone i think is close like want to cari pasal, and i don't even know if it's real or fake because today she just almost threw a punch at me because i slapped her knee. maybe i'm just annoying. and i'm trying really hard not to care about it in case she thinks she cannot playplay with me anymore. and i'm so really tired from everything. and i really wanna cry so bad.

and in tennis, when we play matches against each other, i hit so many out and stuffs, i keep feeling like shit but i've tried to 'fight' in my mindset and i guess it's going well.

and i don't know why but when i laugh, i don't feel so happy anymore. when i laugh, i feel it's fake yet real. when i laugh, the happiness lasts for a short while then it's gone. something's wrong with me and i hate all these feelings. i just wish i could shut myself down. who's gonna find my happiness for me? i'm lost and i can't find it. but one thing is for sure, no one's gonna ever be there for me. at least not for now. maybe never. i'm by myself, and that just hurts. but maybe, i'm used to that. :'/

elmo

3 days ago i had one of the worst menstral cramp ever. i was literally camping in the toilet and almost fainted when i went out. i felt so weak and everything bad. but this little hero of mine save my life, hehe he bought for me menstral medicine ahahaha. he got guts to ask for a women's thing eh? and also cos i need so much time to get over this stupid pain, he had to wait for me til he hungry... hais sweetie pie :") ahaha. love this kid ahh. ♥

and today i went out with mummy and korkor to sentosa and bring chocolate out to swim and stuffs and his raging hormones... hahahaha but funny ah all the dog swimming so cute and retardedly hehehe. yeah and i had funnnn :D

kill me already

i'm accused of being a bad person when i try so hard not to judge people or even think anyone is even bad. but you actually think i'm bad. everything i do is bad. just having a negative thought makes me bad. because i think i am annoying, i am bad. i am really bad okay. do you even remember i say everyone is nice? i never even had the slightest thought she was bad. and then, i'm really bad for thinking i'm annoying people. then there you go with your wonderful killing words, you make me cry again. maybe i'm just sensitive cos it's the period now but i'm really sad and hurt that anything i do or think makes me a bad person even when i didn't talk bad about anyone. i suck. i'm just a really bad person for thinking i'm annoying someone or anyone. sorry. next time i'll just keep my negative feelings about myself, to myself probably. oh wait, i'm bad for just having thoughts. andrea is bad and she will never be good. i'm just hurt how you can think of me like that.

she's an angel and i'm a devil. just get together with her and don't kill me with your words anymore cos it bloody hurts.

waterfall

Funny how someone tells you he loves you when he can leave you sad alone when i can't do just that. but i guess it's okay. it's just my stupid thoughts running wild. like why you reply me slow when i'm in pain? then i think it might be because you having fun doing some other stuffs or something like that.

But i do thank friends for being there. Fed actually texted me to ask if i'm alright, when i tweeted a short sentence, and at the same time, no reply from the person that claims to love me. i don't know where i stand. matter i do matter to you. but not that much. maybe i matter more to him. i'm not sure. but Fed leaves me really guility because i am planning not to reply after a few texts because i don't want someone to be jealous but this is the most guiliest i ever been because Fed was actually here when he's not here. I'm not sure if i can believe his reasons because it has happened so many times(his phone and stuffs) i don't know what to believe cause i'm not physically there to see what he's really doing.

Then he asks me to go to sleep. Maybe it's because he feels i should stop bothering him and sleep so no one can disturb him. Maybe everyone wants that. Wany even talked to me in a tone i really disliked and it made me so hurt but i can't tell her.

Anyway everything hurts so bad now and i realised recently why i always laugh, even when it's not funny. it's because i know how it feels when you try to make something better or try to make jokes and no one laugh but yourself and you can't help but feel ignored. so i will laugh, to acknowledge everyone so they'll never feel this way but no one bothers to do the same for me. :'(