i'm trying

i've been trying so hard to not even cry or feel upset nowadays. but everything... maybe no one wants to care about me but they want someone to care about them. no one wants to try to understand me or be there for me in my darkest days/period. the prev matches, i've been trying so hard to not breakdown because of all these stress i'm getting and trying to be strong is so damn difficult.

today.

coach wanted to train on mentality. he wanted strong players. and i was obviously bad at being strong because when he scolded me, i was going to cry, when he asked, "and what are you supposed to do when you feel bad" and wanted an answer from me, my voice was shaky and i had to say "stand up". i was trying hard to not cry. i was stressed, stress about sch. now. stress about tennis. and to add on, stress about friends.

and i do try so hard til coach say i tried too hard that's why i cannot hit properly. so don't say i don't try or not trying hard enough.

maybe.

i'm not good enough for anything. that's why my efforts are seen to close to nothing, nothing to you, but everything to me. i'm trying so hard i want to make everyone happy, i'm so close to breaking. yet. the person i count on the most to make me happy, doesn't want to. maybe he doesn't want to understand me. maybe he doesn't want to be there for me. he knows. he knows i'm having a hard time now. but he isn't here. crying the past few days is close to nothing to him. and worse still, he's pushing me to the edge. he's adding on to my sadness, my stress, my everything. and i'm not blaming him, i'm blaming me because i'm not strong enough, i cry all the time, i suck. maybe one day, when someone else cares for you, you'll leave me cos you no longer need my care. because maybe that's all you need.

andrea is nothing. nothing is andrea.
it's okay, i tell myself. i'll go through this myself. i don't need anyone. no one is ever there. or maybe there is. there to hurt me more. what doesn't kill me, kills me on the inside, slowly, painfully.