i really think i'm so horrible, i'm horrible as a lover, a friend. and even someone i think is close like want to cari pasal, and i don't even know if it's real or fake because today she just almost threw a punch at me because i slapped her knee. maybe i'm just annoying. and i'm trying really hard not to care about it in case she thinks she cannot playplay with me anymore. and i'm so really tired from everything. and i really wanna cry so bad.
and in tennis, when we play matches against each other, i hit so many out and stuffs, i keep feeling like shit but i've tried to 'fight' in my mindset and i guess it's going well.
and i don't know why but when i laugh, i don't feel so happy anymore. when i laugh, i feel it's fake yet real. when i laugh, the happiness lasts for a short while then it's gone. something's wrong with me and i hate all these feelings. i just wish i could shut myself down. who's gonna find my happiness for me? i'm lost and i can't find it. but one thing is for sure, no one's gonna ever be there for me. at least not for now. maybe never. i'm by myself, and that just hurts. but maybe, i'm used to that. :'/
