the end is the start of a new beginning

today is the end of 2013 and i'm actually scared to recall what this year consists of because there's been so many laughters, so many tears, so much hurt. but if i don't look back, i won't learn from the past and become a better person. so here goes:

there's supposed to be more pictures of a and me but i'm not putting it here because i uploaded from my computer space and i've deleted all our pictures together. that pretty much sounds like a mean thing to do but i've got to move on and stop lingering on such stuffs and i'm so glad to say i'm over you ha ha putting in so much effort to love you just resulted in you leaving me because i broke a promise. but oh well, i'm happy to say it's alllllll over and i'm so happy with my new beginning.

so this year 2013 started with a and me catching fireworks together, and getting together after knowing each other for a year. there were meetups with the girls, well joe once only HA and there were meetups with pb and jerrold! also there was uss with jingyang, jingshen, jerrold, leon! then of course school was so much better with adri, wany, anis and norita :) and then came along this boy who managed to crawl into the walls of my heart and made me fall in 'like' again which is pretty weird because i actually lost trust in all the boys.

but he's different. his actions spoke louder than words at the right time and i can't be anymore thankful for that. like coming down just because i wasn't okay and got teary HAHA cute la. it's probably the first time someone wanted to be there everytime i'm sad. it's the first time someone told me i feel like something he wanted his whole life. and i just really enjoy spending time with him and everytime he has to leave, i die a liiiiiiittle inside.

i really hate HATE people leaving me. i'm scared they'll never come back. i'm afraid they'll stop loving me. but with all these doubts, i will still carry on loving that person til that happens. nobody how hurt i am, i'll still keep loving him and never let him go unless the day where he decides to leave me comes and i can't bear to stay.

all in all:

i just wanna thank everyone who has been in my life, for being there for me, being my friend(because i'm not exactly easy to be with). thank my family especially my big bro who would go all out to make sure i'm not sad. i haven't been the best friend or best sibling or best child but i will continue to try to be a better person for myself and those around me.

2013/ 15 December

can you spot meeee, HAHA i don't even look like i'm singing! but i wore a hat that had this two long braids thingy which was so cute HAHA. if you can't, i'm the 3rd from the right HEH

yesterday i had carolling and had much fun with the churchies even though i haven't gone back for soooo long. plus i went back for the christmas party which was really enjoyable :")

hehe and my little boy is going to japan tomorrowwwww and before he went home today, he gave me a hug and said he'll miss me HAHA and i missed him minutes after he left la (sad) so now it'll be 10 days without himmmm. we should have like taken a photo together la then i can see our picture when he's away but it'll be awkward if i ask to take a picture and he probably don't like taking pictures soooo :/

i have so many clothes i wanna buyyyy, but that means saying goodbye to moneyyyy and that sucks and i want to wear dresses more often butttt i scared i zaogeng ._. HAHA yeah it's the holidays now which means i'm soooo bored with nothing to do T.T but i've got my BTT on the 20th then flying off to maldives on the 21st...CAN'T WAIT WEEEE

wishes on a shooting star

HIIIIIII HEHEHEHE YOU KNOW WHAT TODAY ME AND NICK WAS LYING AT THE SLIDES AT MY PLAYGROUND AND WE SAW A FREAKING SHOOTING STARRRR! and i quickly made a wish omggggggg freaking cool laaaa! Like honestly it could be an ufo and definitely not a plane because there was no sound or anything! PLUS it was fast! (*shootingstar*) 

Hehe yayyyy i always love the playground moments and there is sometimes a breeze where we enjoy it for moments where i would feel lucky and him i don't know haha! Byebyeeeee! :)

i'm not worthy of this goodness

Sigh nick just bought me cheesecake all the way from orchard to my house and i couldn't even have the chance to meet him for a few minutes to chat with him because mummy wouldn't allow me to go out. So he came to my house to pass me this. I felt really insecure because i looked myself in the myself and i look bad. But he said i look comfy and not cui at all. Sigh. He really melts my heart and i just feel like crying :"( 

And this feeling really sucks like honestly because i am telling him things i don't usually tell people and i get frustrated with myself for saying my thoughts out. Like i utterly despise myself for feeling this way and i can't help feeling that anyone will get tired or irritated with me feeling this way. Ugh andrea...

hear

this is like a really pretty christmas tree laaaa, maybe because it's white so it looks more fairytalish and pretty *.* can't wait to visit more christmas trees in december weeee :D

this is when i went to changi beeeeachhhhhh and it was so quiet and windy and it was just nice! although i kind of forgot what we did there zzz #badmemorydrea

this lights are soooo pretty okay sorry i'm quite addicted to seeing lights because they're like so daaamn pretty but anyway this was in a condo and it's a really pretty condooo :D

there's nick hand xD HAHA i'm quite happy ah like i can check one item off my december to-do list! but i guess coffee isn't my cup of tea(no link HAHA) but i think i'll buy like hot chocolate next time to feel more christmasized! HEHE :")

hahahaha a daily selfie on a bus from dover all the way to bedok! and i was wearing like double hoodie because the whole day was totally cuddle weather like you just wanna sink in a blanket of warmness or take a warm shower and dry yourself with warm towel(WARM TOWELS ARE THE BEST <3) :"")

anywayyy yesterday was jerrold's birthday and today is kenneth's birthday and i wished them both happy birthday on WA and jerrold said it was sweet of me HAHAHA and kenneth ah i think he's a changed man leh like he talk abit sian/sad one or monotonous! HAHA still remember he wanted me to reserve my birthday for him but obviously didn't work out because after that i got attached to buffboy96 and we just stopped talking like that. hmmmm memories! but it's allllllll oval HAHA over oval

hi i haven't really talked about you. but hm, you're a really great company and i don't get bored of you la silly. i really like silence sometimes and i'm just a very lazy talker but that doesn't mean i'm bored of anything! if i'm bored i'll probably find ways to avoid going out with you! thanks for not judging me badly when i'm like too tired and go crazy a little(or a lot) HAHA i've shown you like 80% of my unglam side and you still don't find me weird and shit so thankyou :") and hmm my impression of you is like you're a good guy and a responsible one! you're a stupid guy who treats his friends too good that you get taken advantage of (thumbsdown for you) but i'll never take advantage of any of my friends so don't you worry child hahahaha. 

2013/ 3 December

when i get my own car along with my own freedom, i can imagine myself just driving around blasting(not too loud) music whenever i'm upset or just going on a roadtrip to somewhere i can hike in time to see the sunrise/sunset. that's the kind of therapy i need when i'm sad. for now, my therapy when i'm sad is just walking for hours just listening to music or crying till i'm left with no more tears.

i can imagine myself just with my other half in the car having heart to heart talks or even silence is enough. because like they say, as long as you're with someone you like, just being with them will make you happy.

hahahaha anyway i just feel like a typical US teen who puts her laptop on their laps and type their life out. HAHA weird ah because i'm a typical SG teen who should be whatsapping people nonstop like a typical teen now. THIS IS WEIRD BECAUSE i sound so mature! HAHA k andrea k.....

anyway nowadays i just feel sooo weirdly easily upset by little random things that happen in shows and even teared twice in a row a few days ago which is weird(zzz i'm overusing this word but there's no other word) because nothing emotional has been happening to me. like there isn't any drama or anyone insulting and shit so i think i should be pms-ing?

and i know i'm sad because i keep craving for waffle ice cream or like buffet food where i can gorge myself HAHA gorge is the wrong word right! it should beeee FLUSH HAHA like flushing food down my throat. okay i sound really psychotic! but whatEVAAARRRRR

i look really dumb here but i think i have like the flying hat kind of thing you know? :B


hehe i got an ootd which i look really step but everyone's stepping(?) so it's okay right? ahahaha self comfort.


AND THIS! LOUIE SAID I SENT A VIRUS TO HIS PHONE(meaning this picture cause it was a selfie in his phone HAHA) so mean uh he but i look okay here what! a happy virus xD

// i can't wait for christmas heheheheh

this was yesterday's gongcha and to me it's quite funny how they say happy new year when christmas isn't over yet HAHA anyway i spent like 10bux on drinks and only 1.70$ on food. i bought like mr. bean, gongcha and starbucks. i really should saaaaave :(


this picture is really random! hahahahaha but i just wanted to take a picture of my vans in case anything happen(lol sounds like my shoe got cancer or something HAHA) but it's for fun luh!

sigh anyway i was reaaaally blunt to nick uh like saying i don't trust boys and i really stereotype boys and sigh. i feel quite bad like ranting to him but at least i'm honest uh! stupid andrea :(

and i bought a new capppppppp HEHE sigh my second pic look abit weird alr but my eyes are shiny sooo... :D

real tired but i had a good day :) happydrea281113 HAHA sorry my face too cui alr haispie i need to stop feeling so damn insecure 

hahahahaha ohya i had like a fate moment with nick on monday eh like he was driving and he saw me boarding 26 and i saw his car in front of the bus! cool uh! and we said "unless like" at the same time HAHAHA we so cool B)

blackhole

i was home late yesterday because i was just hanging out at the playground with him. then daddy decides to call and got really angry that i was still out at 1:40am. i got so scared and teary today and yesterday night because i thought mummy and daddy were going to scold me today. but nothing happened.

i get so upset easily nowadays and that affects my appetite alot. it's like i have to keep eating and eating til i fall asleep and if i don't, i get recurring waves that crash these puny eyes of mine. 

this album is sooooo addictive weee, jon gave me his thumbdrive so that i could have more songs yayyyy. and i'm currently listening to matt cardle which is nice too :)

sigh, i really feel like i need to cry for really long. like for hours. then i wouldn't need to cry so many times. just one looooong one will do it. haha i just remembered i told myself to always cry at night so that i won't cry the next day. i don't remember if it worked though.

s.o.s

i'm so tired these few days. am i tired because i have so many thoughts or am i thinking too much that it makes me tired? and as usual, when i'm tired i get really tired of being happy and the side i've been trying to hide, shows. that sad side of me which i hate. i get teary when i think, sometimes when i read, mostly because i'm reminded of the past.

it's like i don't want to talk to anyone and just put on my earpiece and ignore the whole world. just because i'm scared of showing that sad side of me. i feel so pathetic and attention seeking whenever i'm sad. i hate it. and i hate replying people when i'm in this sad mood. i don't want them to know i have so many insecurities and scare them away. and in the worst case, they'll say i can't take jokes or maybe say i'm overly sensitive. ha ha.

i'm falling apart. really. i'm sorry. i'm scared i'll cry in front of anyone.

i push you away, yet i want you to stay.

my heart has been beating faster, i talk faster nowadays. i feel like i'm changing but i don't know whether it's for the better or worse. i can't find the words to say, the way i should say. is it because i'm not used to talking about those things or is it because i'm talking to him? anyway i feel really stupid. i'm been so brutally honest with him about almost everything. someone told me i'm too honest. i guess, for my own bad. oh and yesterday he told me i always roll my eyes and he thought he's boring. but omg i really didn't notice i roll my eyes at all. :(

i'm so scared of not being good enough, that they would rather go for someone cuter/prettier/awesomer and i don't know how to stop feeling that. i was told "if he likes you, he likes you" and something like why worry if he like others. ugh. i've got so many thoughts i can't write it down. but for now,

mood: heart broken

lol is heart broken even a mood

FLUSHED

I HAVE NEVER FELT LIKE THIS IN MY LIFE!!!!! :( this feeling sucks lah and i feel like i'm sort of driving him away and i don't wanna like lose this guy in a weird wayyy. and i feel like everything is going so faaaast like he says he wanna prove himself to me kind of thing but he barely knows me but he sort of know my life and my past but he doesn't know me. i feel like sooooo flustered and i keep waiting for his text and get all paranoid(?) i HATE MYSELF FEELING THIS WAY SIGH. i'm falling soooo much in 'like' with him :(((((( SINCE WHEN DID I BECOME THIS KIND OF ANDREA :(((((( THERE IS NO EMOTION THAT CAN DESCRIBE WHAT I'M FEELING UGH :(

AND HE'S THE SWEETEST PEA IN THE POD LAH like he tells me just the stuffs i wanna hear and omg he makes me go crazy, seriously. he said "the best cure is the care and concern of someone special" and i said no one takes care of me one! and he said "Don't say that I'll be there to take care of you *blusblushsmiley*" then i say you anyhow tell girls you take care of them one ahh and he said "Noooooo I don't! I only tell the ones I really wanna take care of *winkie*" SIGH TELL ME HOW NOT TO BE INSANELY HAPPY HAHAHAHA

and he didn't reply my text ah! BECAUSE HE DIDN'T RECEIVE IT HEHE but he started the convo again by asking if i wanna lunch tmr! HEHEHEHEHE <3 and he said "I today whole day emo sia thought you didn't reply me *sad hais face*"

ps; he drives me C R A Z Y

i'm getting better

i want to be the kind of girl who has enough self esteem who think she is good enough for someone, who has enough confidence and trust to believe that someone really likes her and not other girls. i want to be someone who isn't insecure. i want to be someone who is confident of herself so she would stop feeling inferior to other girls. but the thing is, it's so damn hard to be that kind of girl because what i feel is the other way round. and tell me, how do you change what you feel? is it gonna be like when you touch something cold, you make yourself feel that it's something hot?

anyway apart from that, yesterday was damn freaking fun and crazy like literally people were high and haha they say that's when you're honest and some guy confess that he likes this girl and honestly, everything was just honest. well, i was abit high too and i kind of liked that feeling because i laughed more at everything and i didn't feel sadness like i do now. maybe the sadness is from pms hahahaha. but yeah, i kind of love last night. :")

and today had dinner with jerrold @ makisan and the sushi was sooooo good man like serious but the price of the sushi also not say cheap lahhh, then supposed to have supper with leon after that, but the three of us ended lol-ing and hahahaha i feel like a burden abit sigh. but thank God they don't blame me or anything :")

i must say i'm moving on pretty well, and like i said the events are placed so timely. hahahahahahah.

something hit me yesterday that lead me to think if you already planned on breaking with me and this trust thing is the chance for you to do just that. and it really sucks knowing someone you love doesn't love you as much or even plans on leaving and not staying. but i guess for now, i'm getting on fine because i have a few outings that take my mind off you, and also people to talk to.

today i'm gonna meet more girls hehehe amabel was like my best friend in p6 or sec 1? and we had sleepovers at my house, i'll have dinner/lunch at her house after school, play maple together. hehe GOOD OL TIMES MAN. can't wait teehee :D and also a other few classmates, like AMACHIA HEHE she was the class monitor and i think i liked her HAHA as in not like like but a friend like. like she can be so damn funny HAHAAHAHA(i'm not even sure about that, i can't remember ahaha) and jelene and edith and hongyu also xD

i don't wanna know

haha i started living my own life already, met up with hy, eunice, mel, jamie to celebrate hy's bday and mine(?) hahaha and it was a great meetup, like we laughed alot heh :D but everyone don't feel as close anymore. i feel so far apart from everyone. oh and met up with jerrold and leon too and cantona anyhow join in but it's was an awesome meetup like it's been so long since i last saw jerrold. hehe. it's quite comforting to know that we've actually been friends for close to 5 years or more x) he's actually the one who saw me when i had short hair, before-braces stage, all my worst years hahah. but again i didn't feel as close as last time. well, i guess it takes time to "close up" again.

well, it's really so hurtful when i think of you or read back and i get teary, i remember even crying all the way in the bus on friday just because i thought of you again. like wow. hahah. I'M TEARY AGAIN AHAHAHAHA STUPID FOOLDREA. heh. am i silly for falling in love with you and believing you'll stay with me all the way, even in my worse states, on my darkest nights. but what's done is done right, i have to get on and move on and be on my happy trip without you now. after all, you've have to grow through the dirt to be a beautiful flower(not saying i will be one...)

hm, but i do hope you're doing well and imagining how happy you'll be when you meet the right one :'|

sorry for not being the one for you.

i'm just gonna convince myself you stopped liking me and gave up on me. maybe this will all get better with that mindset. maybe then i'll stop hoping.

that sentence you said, hurts. 

I MISS YOU I WANNA HUG YOU

i look really retarded here but whatever, because the baby is freaking cute and i love to smell things/people so i smelt him and he smells like a baby omg (kay, obviously cos he's a baby)

HAHAHAA WE ALL HAD A INDIVIDUAL SHOT AND MINE IS KINDA ZZ HAHA BUT PROUD OF THIS SHOT HEHE

OKAY LALA i just like to thank gillian and nicole and christy for warming me when they realised my nails were purple, it wasn't a very big gesture but i get the thought and it's the thoughts that count so i reallyreally thank God for them for their concern. and also others for everything! hahaha. i really got to know nicole abit more cos i decided to talk more and ask her about what music she listens to and stuffs. SO YEYYY i know her better ;) 

oh and i've opened myself up more, i actually don't keep to myself that much, in the sense i can physically link arms with them without feeling awkward, put my arms over their shoulder easily. HEHE. i feel closer to them so i'm feeling a little bit accomplished :D

oh and also thank God for my little brother, i think yesterday or two days ago(?), he actually offered to cook me maggi noodles if i was hungry and he made for me(i think) ice cream sandwich hehe love this little brother of me too. and idk why but my big bro keeps biting me nowadays HAHAHA random k.

OH and i played GTA 5 2 days ago and i must admit that I AM VERY NOOB, i literally had to replay the task 5 times before i gave up because i still couldn't accomplish it. URGH but haha my little bro helped me complete it, EASILY!!!!

and i thought of you, i kept thinking of you and at night it keeps hitting me and i still tear at night BECAUSE OF YOU but hahahaha who cares KK BYE THANK THE STARS FOR READING MY BLOG, like real zzzz I'M SO DELUSIONAL I THINK I'M MENTALLY CHALLENGED FOR REAL. i actually thought i was actually autistic last time HAHA k

OH AND HAHAHAHA A RANDOM GUY'S FRIEND TOLD ME HIS FRIEND IS SINGLE AND CAN COOK AND ASKED "DO YOU WANT HIM?" hahahahahahahahahaha i said nahhh, and the friend said to his friend "i tried" HAHAHAHA k that was a random funny moment but LALA

silly

i printed a few of my favourite photos with you and kept it in an envelope, so i can keep our memories together. so even if i lose my com, i'll still have these pictures to keep. haha. i am stupid right?

:'(

i can see that you're trying hard to get me out of your life. i see what tweets you've favourited and i get it. you are dead bent on getting me out of your life. ha ha i'll try to be okay. for now i guess i do whatever it takes to be happy, going out with my old friends, anything to get you out of my memories. and then your mission will be accomplished. i'll forget you in time and won't want you anymore. if you want that, i'll do just that. i'm sorry, really. for being 'arrogant' and stuffs. i'm just really thankful to you for taking care of me, showing concern, comforting, caring and loving me for the past few months. it's been really great having you around and you know i'm thankful for you. i hope you're happy on this journey without me, i'm sure you are since i think you said you'll be happier without me. thank you. really.

note to you: you're a really good boy with a really good heart, please don't ever change that part of you. and i hope you'll find someone who loves you as much as i do or even more. <3
another note: i really really still wish i could hug you, hold you.
last note: sorry i wasn't good enough for you.

holding onto a hopeless hope

i miss you like crazy and the worst part i can't do anything because you want to be free and i'm trying to be okay with that. when i think of you, especially before i sleep, i just tear. i'm sorry that i'm not as strong as you think i am. i'm sorry :'(

balsambreath:

I thought of texting you

"good morning, I can’t sleep"

and then I remembered

that you are on a journey

which I am not a part of

and that’s okay

but

good morning

I can’t sleep

i guess i loved you more than you loved me

you keep breaking me

i really tried holding on to you, just letting you know i miss you, i love you and everything i felt. but now, maybe i should have been like last time, just keeping everything to myself and letting everything and everyone go without letting them know. and a hug from you could make me go to bed happy. just a genuine moment of me making you smile would make me happy. but i don't know what else i can do. you don't want me anymore and i should accept that fact. i'm so sorry i will keep everything to myself now and just slowly let you go. maybe you'll be happier this way because you keep telling me to not find you and stuffs like that. and maybe i should let you be happy and not hold you back anymore. i did try baby. i did :'(

my heart won't stop hurting
my eyes are swollen
i can't do this

difficult

"go fix yourself" is different from "i will fix you". both has the same meaning, you need to fixed. it's just, "go fix yourself" means you have a problem and you need to fix yourself. it's harsh and worse than that, it's like i don't want to handle your shit, get your shit together before you talk to me/be with me. and when someone you love just says that to you, you feel broken inside, like the person who mattered most won't even go through this process of fixing with you, like they don't want a problematic you. while "i will fix you" means i accept you as who you are but it'll be better if you fix yourself and don't worry, you have me, and you won't go through this alone.

and i've got the answer from who mattered most, that i have to go through this alone, this process of fixing myself alone. but i'm not tough and i can't fix myself on my own. it'll be like 'i'll be strong' and the next morning, you're the weak you again. i've tried. and if people were that tough, there wouldn't be suicides, there wouldn't be self-harms. they just needed someone to be there for them, to fix them together but no. they were alone, they couldn't take it. they're weak. so they did it.

and if i didn't appreciate things, i wouldn't have fought so hard for that one to stay, even if it meant doing something i've never done before such as fighting so damn fucking hard. but no, my action is not appreciation. i'm gonna give up. 

maybe it's time to let go of the memories

it kinda hurts when you miss people that don't miss you. they're out again together but i guess i won't say anything. i'll miss the memories. i won't miss hanging out with them anymore. this way i won't get affected. :'( i'm sorry for being sad. maybe i shall keep telling myself they don't matter anymore cause i don't matter to them anymore. maybe then i'll believe the words i say. thanks guys for everything anyway. </3

seems like i always want to be with the wrong group of friends, friends who don't want to be with me or don't like me or something like that. i'll be fine alone, or at least try to be. yeah, because i'm the problem. and i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm sorry.

MY LOVE

hehehehe i think we so cute eh ahaha. i bought az the roll-up sleeve shirt and for me also then we can couple couple hehehe. it's abit hard to ask him to take pictures tgt because he is a laaaaaaazy boy heh. anyway i appreciate him alot for being there for me and trying to send me home whenever he can hehehe. <3

tingy tongy

hehehe this boy is the best. yesterday he just brought from home his mum's cooking and it's seeeeDAPPP ahahaha i love him la. just look at his eyebrows, one up one down i also dk how to do that ahahaha. kkbyeeeeeeeee :D

my heart won't let you go

i got to sleep with this little baby yesterday and he was a little monster at times, chewing on everything especially waking me up by chewing on my hair ahahaha. but it was only twice so i had to give it some milk bottled milk. but it was rather nice sleeping with something warm, something living. i remember it once banged into my arm or shoulder then fall asleep just like that. hehe. then another time it just slept on top of my head, then ended up at my neck. it was cute hehe.

look at his tiny eyes hehe. he was 30+ days years old only hehehe. but it had this eyes i could stare into like it was the most precious thing i've seen. and sometimes when i stared at it, he would run into me and try to bite my nose ahahahaha. he literally bites everything hehe so sometimes i just hide under my blanket then he would go find something else to bite ahaha.

and this was my bed last last night hehe, look at the tiny baby. and the jacket beside it, i never want to return it to its owner. because everytime i miss him, i can just smell it :")

it scared me when it said good morning ytd morning!!! yeah, lol it was a talking dog. cool right!! hehe. JUST KEEDING OMG AHAHAHA. but yeah this was in the morning. doesn't it look so cute it could brighten your day? i guess these are the things you call sunshine.

and lastly ending with my face and the little baby hehehehe. are you proud of me because i have absolutely used no filter at all which means actually my camera not that bad hor, just look at the sunshine baby, sleeping baby, isn't it of high high quality?! woohooooooo.

ps; i miss you so much :((((